The Twelve Princesses and the Cabbage
by JollyCooperation
Summary: Naruto and his friends begin to wonder about Neji and his new love of princesses when they go out for lunch. Can they get along long enough to find out? Prequel to "Sasuke's Secret Garden" That should be clue enough.


Those gorgeous eye stalks, that creamy pale slimy skin, ah! Such a slug could not have come from this world, only when her beautiful form was summoned by the wonderful mistress Tsunade could she grace Konoha with her glory.

Hyuuga Neji had never really been one for romance. However, he found one sexy, sexy beast in his eyes just too classy for common courting. This sexual conquest of conquests would have to be one of the utmost romantic endeavors he could devise.

The creature in question was the lovely Katsuyu-sama-dama-san-chan. Whenever he had seen Tsunade summon the lovely maiden, he'd been reeling in thralls of ecstasy for days.

His only method of release was to roll around in the cabbage patch next to his home stark naked. The slugs on the cabbage neighboring his nude form would crawl onto him, pleased that he loved them.

He would rub their slimy bodies all over his, whilst he hummed disney love songs to each slug, and naming every new slug after a disney princess.

He would then hand sew a little brightly coloured princess dress for each slug. He was shit at sewing so, of course they looked horrible, but he would never tell the slugs such things. He told each slug that she was as beautiful as Paris Hilton in their dresses. This made him feel a little bit better since it wasn't technically lying.

The slugs themselves felt awkward, since they were hermaphrodites, and to humans, that's creepy and decidedly undisneyfied. She-males in princess attire was for drag shows, not for heterosexual relationships. However, once they were compared to Paris Hilton, they all felt useless and slutty and totally reliant on their guardian's income. In this case, their guardian being Neji.

Of course, he knew they were half male, and for some reason, Neji found it even sexier. Neji began to feel so at one with his sluggy girlfriend-chan whores that he began to adopt their ways.

He began to only eat cabbage. He only washed his hair and body in mud. He also took a dire fear to all things salty. If any salt touched his skin at all, he would panic and murder every old lady in the vicinity.

Naruto and his friends were the first to notice these changes whilst they were at a Korean Barbecue Restaurant-san. Neji had come with his usually immaculate hair full of mud.

After Naruto had invited Shino, Kiba, Lee, Shikamaru, Chouji, and Neji out for a group lunch at the restaurant, they'd all agreed on a meeting time after a fierce game of rock paper scissors. It had lasted two days, caused twenty seven deaths, and sent three cats to an insane asylum. At least they'd picked a time.

Lee was the first to arrive, as usual humping the entrance sign to show his outstanding stamina and youth. It was about ten feet off the ground, so of course he was a spectacle for everyone to behold in horror.

Kiba arrived second, deciding on talking to a nearby dog about sniffing butts as opposed to watching Lee. They both found that the smell was normally spicy and agreeable to the palette.

Chouji arrived third, and since he was the most enthusiastic about food and such, he placed the group's name in for a table right away.

The chubby hostess was polite and sent the message to the waiters and bus boys so that they could clear a table. She had a cute smile, which quickly vanished as Chouji proceeded to wait right in front of the podium, staring intermittedly at the hostess and his table beeper-san-sama.

Shino arrived in a swarm of bugs with caused a mass panic within the restaurant. Mainly because he ordered every bug to fly into someone's nose-chan and remove every trace of crack-cocaine that they found. Hey, he needed to make a living somehow, and why work when you already look the part of a cartel-sama?

The resulting stampede of panicked bug-nosed patrons toppled the hostess podium and sent the hostess herself careening into the windowed food display. Unfortunately all her clothes were torn away by the panicked mob as well by angry cats that had been smuggled in via the purses of angry, crack head old ladies. When she emerged from the dust cloud, she was clothed only very scantily in Korean barbecued steaks and their assorted tangy sauces-sans.

That was the fucking sexiest thing Chouji had ever seen. He promptly dropped the table beeper and scooped up his princess in question and raced off with his new prize into the sunset.

Naruto and Shikamaru had only just arrived when a frenzied Chouji barreled past them, sending the store door flying off its hinges, whilst carrying a chubby young woman covered in barbecue sauce and steaks into an apparent sunset at two in the afternoon.

They watched in mild fascinated horror as the door took out several telephone poles, which fell over and caused rolling blackouts, not allowing many of Konoha's citizens to watch Opera-no-dama-sama. This would later cause mass hysteria, mushroom and other drug related theft, and riots.


End file.
